Like other books I've reviewed in my canonical business books series, Dale Carnegie's absolutely classic How to Win Friends and Influence People is not just a business book or a Success Literature book or a self-help book but a book that can help us make it through this crazy thing we call life. It serves as a lesson on how to be happy and teaches us probably the hardest skill to learn or master: how to deal with people.
I use the phrase "deal with" because a lot of times that's what making it through life is: dealing with people, managing them, making due with them, putting up with them, sharing a world with them. It's not easy.
When I was working on my PhD, my Colombian roommate and I had a saying: "Coño, no es fácil," which loosely translates to "Damn, it's not easy." The schoolwork associated with the PhD wasn't that easy, but what was really difficult was dealing with the people. Granted, academics are notoriously arrogant, self-serving, quick to criticize and condemn, and in general are some of the most difficult people one earth to deal with, but even in my life post-academia, there are still not just difficult people to deal with but more poignantly, there are difficult situations in which we have to deal with people.
A survey done at the time of Carnegie's writing (book was first published in 1936) revealed that the prime interest of adults is health. Their second greatest interest was in developing skills in human relationships.Carnegie wasn't just a great public speaker. His main job was to help people conquer their fears and develop courage.
Carnegie's book revolves around a concept that Stephen Covey later borrowed and expanded upon in his canonical book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (see my review here). The principle: Seek first to understand... then to be understood. This habit is about Empathic listening: rephrase content and reflect the feeling. This emphatic listening is also worth keeping in mind for public speaking. The basic principles of public speaking, which is essentially storytelling, are ethos-pathos-logos. Ethos is gaining credibility with the audience through integrity. Pathos is feeling the thrust of what is going on with the audience. Logos is the logic and analysis. Too often we start with logos. We need to first gain credibility by understanding our audience, then feel what they say, and then and only then seek to be understood. Don't bother speaking until you can rephrase your interlocutor's argument in your own words.
The quote that got me to read Carnegie's book is one from Benjamin Franklin who said: "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." Read that quote again. And think about it. In an age of so called Big Data, it's important to remember that data, facts and logic are not the key to the mind. In other words, you can't use facts to change a belief. The keys to the mind are metaphors, which connect the unfamiliar to the familiar. The symbolism in metaphors makes us connect at a deeper level. Understanding what is familiar and then presenting it in new ways is one of the most powerful ways to unlock the door to somebody's mind so that they can understand your point of view. Opinion pieces that try too hard to drive home a point will be derided for what they are: one-sided sledgehammers.
Let's start with Carnegie's suggested 6 ways to make people like you:
1) Become genuinely interested in other people.
2) Smile.
3) Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4) Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5) Talk in terms of other person's interests.
6) Make the other person feel important--and do it sincerely.
Here's another key topic:
How to keep a disagreement from escalating to an argument.
1) Welcome the disagreement. Remember: "When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary." Disagreement is the opportunity to be corrected before a serious mistake.
2) Distrust your instinctive impression (to be defensive).
3) Control your temper. You can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
4) Listen first. Remember: Seek first to understand...then to be understood.
5) Look for areas of agreement.
6) Be honest. Admit errors.
7 Thank your opponents for their interest. Those who disagree with you also must have an interest in what you're arguing about.
8) Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.
Win people to your way of thinking:
1) The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2) Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3) If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4) Begin in a friendly way.
5) Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6) Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7) Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8) Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9) Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10) Appeal to the nobler motives.
11) Dramatize your ideas.
12) Throw down a challenge.
Be a Leader: A leader's job includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior. Here's how to do that:
1) Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2) Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3) Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4) Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5) Let the other person save face.
6) Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7) Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8) Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9) Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Keys to Life!
I use the phrase "deal with" because a lot of times that's what making it through life is: dealing with people, managing them, making due with them, putting up with them, sharing a world with them. It's not easy.
When I was working on my PhD, my Colombian roommate and I had a saying: "Coño, no es fácil," which loosely translates to "Damn, it's not easy." The schoolwork associated with the PhD wasn't that easy, but what was really difficult was dealing with the people. Granted, academics are notoriously arrogant, self-serving, quick to criticize and condemn, and in general are some of the most difficult people one earth to deal with, but even in my life post-academia, there are still not just difficult people to deal with but more poignantly, there are difficult situations in which we have to deal with people.
A survey done at the time of Carnegie's writing (book was first published in 1936) revealed that the prime interest of adults is health. Their second greatest interest was in developing skills in human relationships.Carnegie wasn't just a great public speaker. His main job was to help people conquer their fears and develop courage.
Carnegie's book revolves around a concept that Stephen Covey later borrowed and expanded upon in his canonical book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (see my review here). The principle: Seek first to understand... then to be understood. This habit is about Empathic listening: rephrase content and reflect the feeling. This emphatic listening is also worth keeping in mind for public speaking. The basic principles of public speaking, which is essentially storytelling, are ethos-pathos-logos. Ethos is gaining credibility with the audience through integrity. Pathos is feeling the thrust of what is going on with the audience. Logos is the logic and analysis. Too often we start with logos. We need to first gain credibility by understanding our audience, then feel what they say, and then and only then seek to be understood. Don't bother speaking until you can rephrase your interlocutor's argument in your own words.
The quote that got me to read Carnegie's book is one from Benjamin Franklin who said: "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." Read that quote again. And think about it. In an age of so called Big Data, it's important to remember that data, facts and logic are not the key to the mind. In other words, you can't use facts to change a belief. The keys to the mind are metaphors, which connect the unfamiliar to the familiar. The symbolism in metaphors makes us connect at a deeper level. Understanding what is familiar and then presenting it in new ways is one of the most powerful ways to unlock the door to somebody's mind so that they can understand your point of view. Opinion pieces that try too hard to drive home a point will be derided for what they are: one-sided sledgehammers.
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| Classic! |
Let's start with Carnegie's suggested 6 ways to make people like you:
1) Become genuinely interested in other people.
2) Smile.
3) Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4) Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5) Talk in terms of other person's interests.
6) Make the other person feel important--and do it sincerely.
Here's another key topic:
How to keep a disagreement from escalating to an argument.
1) Welcome the disagreement. Remember: "When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary." Disagreement is the opportunity to be corrected before a serious mistake.
2) Distrust your instinctive impression (to be defensive).
3) Control your temper. You can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
4) Listen first. Remember: Seek first to understand...then to be understood.
5) Look for areas of agreement.
6) Be honest. Admit errors.
7 Thank your opponents for their interest. Those who disagree with you also must have an interest in what you're arguing about.
8) Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.
Win people to your way of thinking:
1) The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2) Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3) If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4) Begin in a friendly way.
5) Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6) Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7) Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8) Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9) Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10) Appeal to the nobler motives.
11) Dramatize your ideas.
12) Throw down a challenge.
Be a Leader: A leader's job includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior. Here's how to do that:
1) Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2) Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3) Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4) Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5) Let the other person save face.
6) Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7) Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8) Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9) Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Keys to Life!
